John Carter

By Christopher Redmond

Mailed on March 09, 2012

Stamp image Standard
StarStarHalf StarEmpty StarEmpty Star

Dear Anthony Drewett
Costume Fitter

Dear Anthony,

Anyone can draw slutty costumes. Apparently, even Disney. The trick is to be able to pull them off - and maybe put them back on. Loin cloths. Breast plates. Chest plates. Butt flaps. Dude, your job sounds like the bisexual dream!

But where do you draw the line? I mean that literally - Disney must have a mathematical formula for the percentage of buttocks that can be flashed in a family film. I'm guessing that, like a naughty catholic schoolgirl, you had your actors tense up their shoulders and stretch out their fingertips to show every extra skin cell the rulebook would allow. Maybe that's why amid the hundreds of millions of dollars put into this production, my eyes were still pathetically drawn to the most carnal of human pleasures. How much of Lynn Collin's leg are they going to show? How's that old woman going to pull off that gown? Did they just digitally erase Taylor Kitch's buttcrack? That's when I knew there was a problem.

To his credit, director Andrew Stanton does not leave much to the imagination anywhere. But like you, he too often just seems to be doing what's fitting. We've literally and figuratively seen so many cowboy vs. aliens stories lately that simply using ancient material (by sci-fi standards) isn't enough. You need to still create something bold and new, even if there are only so many ways to drape a story. Genre geeks will find plenty to enjoy, but for the rest of us, most of what we're experiencing feels over-worn. Sign me up for attending the cosplay parties though.

Hang in there,


comments powered by Disqus
(% endraw %}