By Christopher Redmond

Mailed on July 17, 2013

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Dear Thunder Levin

Dear Thunder,

Take me back to the beginning, to that eureka moment when everything clicked. I can't imagine the euphoria you must have felt knowing your years of ripping off genre films had finally paid off with something original. No more mockbusters of Pacific Rim, Battleship, and zombies-versus-whatever. You must have known this was it--your ticket to the big leagues. You came up with a concept so bold that no major studio would dare touch it. A title so bankable, so compelling, that the script was irrelevant. This threat you invented out of thin air (really thin air) is so twisted that your tombstone will inevitably read: Herein lies the man who gaveth the world its first sharknado.

That's right, the first. Because there's bound to be a tsunami of sequels, spin-offs, and knock-offs.

Oh, the irony.

You may go on to more audacious projects, but it's doubtful any will be so incompetently made. The piss-poor special effects, the incoherent editing, the completely inconsistent treatment of locations and weather - unfortunately, these low-budget tropes aren't leveraged for laughs the way I expected. Instead, it feels like the hardworking men and women behind the scenes just weren't up to the challenge of bringing your ambitious vision to life. Yet somehow, your genius shines through.

Physics, biology and basic logic have never been so willingly victim to one man's brilliance. The characters accept sharks raining down from the sky, and frankly, so do we. Really, Thunder--enjoy this moment.

Because you're bound to attract even bigger stars, but few will look as lost and pathetic as Tara Reid. Worse yet, few will give performances as sincere and irony-free as Ian Ziering's (he's really earning his paycheck in earnest). Even Cassie Scerbo's character - with her oh-so-tragic backstory that you may have, sort of, kind of borrowed from Jaws - is actually, you know, decent. Thank God you found such a novel way to bring her back from certain death. The film's most fun scene, bar none.

We live in an age of been there, seen that. Nothing's new anymore. How could anyone ever take the cliche-ridden shark-horror genre to new heights? Somehow, you did it. With your fame-ready name and freaky mind, everything just lined up for the perfect storm, didn't it?



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