Dear Bryan,

Tell me, Bryan: how easy is it to know everything there is to know about a Ford Shelby GT500 Super Snake? I mean, more than just the fact that it has a supercharged 5.4 lire V8 engine that torques out 725hp, blah blah blah, I'm talking about a true professional's understanding of its inner workings? Because Getaway makes is seem really, really easy. Just as easy as learning the most complicated aspects of camera circuitry, computer programming, civil engineering, international trade policies, and top-secret security banking protocols--all without any planning ahead!

Or maybe Getaway is blowing more hot air than a centrifugal super-charger on a '68 Chevy Chevelle. Except all that exhaust is coming out of Selena Gomez, playing the most obnoxious co-star since Jar Jar Binks.

Gomez (who never gets a character name) is introduced to us through the context of a completely implausible car jacking, pulling a gun on Ethan Hawk's character. Sure she's is wearing a hoodie, but - surprise! - she's not a street thug! She's just some rich guy's daughter who wants her car back. See Hawke is driving it around some Bulgarian city like a madman, doing whatever an anonymous voice tells him in order to get his kidnapped wife back. It's like Speed meets _Taken _meets a car-wreck of a script

Sadly, the premise is actually the best part of the film (Ethan Hawk seems to be choosing his films based on their intriguing logline). You and your team have a great excuse for covering the car in cameras and frantically cutting between shots, but somehow, Brian, that doesn't make the action any more exciting. Looking at the same problems from different angles doesn't inherently offer you a solution, just another view of what's wrong.

To make matters worse, a simple tune-up - re-casting Gomez or tweaking a few character choices - wouldn't quite do the trick. This story is built like those rocket-shaped super cars that only drive in a straight line and need a parachute to stop. No consideration has been put into maneuvering around plot points or appealing to the average moviegoer. It's all go, all the time, like the filmmakers are afraid that slowing down will give the audience time to think. As a result, we just feel detached and unsatisfied as the one-track story barrels ahead.

There's a reason the Fast and Furious movies are so successful, and it sure isn't because they only appeal to gear-heads like you. No matter how much Getaway features your precious Mustang at its center, it doesn't count as a compelling character deserving of our empathy. For most people, anyway.