xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

By Ankit Verma

Mailed on February 01, 2017


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Dear Thomas Iwan
Head Welder

Dear Thomas,

As a welder, you’re probably used to people thinking you’re a man’s man. You literally work with your hands to forge steel and bend metal as fire rains down around you. Given the definition of what a man is has changed drastically in the past decade, this stereotype may offend or flatter you. All I know is, the stereotype which has associated itself with your profession was the perfect inspiration behind xXx: The Return of Xander Cage AKA the pinnacle of male-centric entertainment.

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, as the title states, is the return of Xander Cage, former extreme athlete-turned super spy. After faking his own death to live a quiet life, Xander is pulled back into the game after a team of super-criminals steal a piece of tech that can take down every satellite in orbit.

It’s an absurd premise full of babes, bombs, and biceps. Which is why I purposely asked the bossman at Dear Cast & Crew to assign me this movie. I’ve been watching too many Oscar-nominated films during the past couple of weeks and I needed a fantastic mess to cleanse the palate. And a fantastic mess is what I got.

After Xander gets intel from his super sexy informant, he is obliged to pleasure all the women in the room -- at the same time. Cut to morning, Xander stands tall and proud as he stares at the sleeping harem of ladies, undoubtedly exhausted due to a night of unbridled sexxing. A grin appears across Xander’s face as utters the line, “The things I do for my country.”

This scene is only one of the many ridiculous aspects of xXx. Others being: Xander skiing down the hills of a South American jungle, Xander participating in a deep ocean dirt bike chase, and the introduction of Kris Wu’s character, Nicks, a successful DJ whose only job is to drop dirty dubstep beats during high-octane sequences.

It’s all a bit much but luckily, xXx doesn’t try to make excuses for the type of movie it is. It knows it’s a loud and boisterous film that requires zero brain cells to view. It’s fully aware of its macho reputation and doesn’t try to mask it with unnecessary dramatic elements.

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is filled to the brim with testosterone. It’s an extreme anthem with no discernible reason to exist other than to excite the Neanderthal in all of us. It pokes fun at its own genre and let’s viewers turn off their brains and revel in some pure, unadulterated fun.

I’ll admit that xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is not as refined as other meta-hits like Deadpool or Kingsman: The Secret Service. There’s a ton of dead weight with the large cast. I can count at least four characters who could’ve been edited out entirely without diminishing the final product.

Regardless, xXx is a genuinely entertaining movie and a welcome distraction. With women's marches and male insecurities occupying the most powerful position in government, there’s no better movie than xXx: The Return of Xander Cage to showcase the laughable nature of male bravado.

Sincerely,

Ankit

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