2016 Silver Stamps

By Dear Cast & Crew

Mailed on December 23, 2016

Dear Readers,

Nobody gets into the movie business for the free lunches. You’re looking for acknowledgment – proof you made a small dent on the cinematic universe. And after five years (five!), anyone we haven’t heralded or heckled on this site is clamoring to fill a Silver Stamp shaped hole in their heart. WE KNOW! Actors, producers, publicists, pee-ons – they all set their alarm clocks bright and early the day before we announce our awards. So stop feverishly refreshing your browser. Here it is, the on-screen effort that stood out the most this year – for better or worse. Thank you. And you’re welcome.

Best Bruce Wayne – Ben Affleck in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice The Accountant

Film We Feel Racist for HatingRace

Film We Feel Progressive for LovingLoving

Biggest Sausage PartySausage Party Everybody Wants Some!!

Most Outrageous 80s Athlete in Coke-Bottle Glasses – Tie: Taron Egerton in Eddie the Eagle, Juston Street in Everybody Wants Some!!

Dopest TitleDope

Lamest Title10 Cloverfield Lane

Most Suggestive TitleHow to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town

Least Suggestive TitleBilly Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

Best Use of SubtletyZootopia

Worst Use of SubtletyMother’s Day

Obligatory (and Unnecessary) Black Revisionist Western of the YearThe Magnificent Seven

Obligatory (and Worthy) Black Awards Contender of the YearMoonlight

Best Undead SuperheroDeadpool Swiss Army Man

Bayhem Award for Being Worse Than Michael Bay – Peter Berg, Deepwater Horizon

Man Crush of the Year – Ryan Gosling for The Nice Guys and La La Land

Edge-of-Legal Crush of the Year – Hailee Steinfeld in The Edge of Seventeen

Edge of Tomorrow Award for Being on the Edge of Greatness – Hailee Steinfeld in The Edge of Seventeen

Most Pompous Asshole of the Year – Miles Teller in Bleed For This, War Dogs, Allegiant _(and everyday life)

Best RemakeThe Jungle Book

Best Spin-OffEverybody Wants Some!!

Best Sequel – Captain America: Civil War

Worst RemakeBen-Hur

Worst Spin-OffSuicide Squad

Worst Sequel – Tie: Independence Day: Resurgence, Inferno, Bridget Jones’ Baby, Alice Through the Looking Glass, Neighbors 2, Now You See Me 2, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles : Out of the Shadows, X-Men: Apocalypse, Allegiant, London Has Fallen

Best Ejaculation GagThe Brothers Grimsby

Worst Ejaculation GagNeighbors 2

Scariest Beast of the Year – Goat, The Witch

Sexiest Beast of the Year – Anya Taylor-Joy, The Witch

Actor Most Likely To Cause Male Insecurity – Alexander Skarsgård, The Legend Of Tarzan

Most God-Awful Film – Tie: Gods of Egypt, Miracles From Heaven

The Holy Shit, 2016 Had a Lot of Movies Featuring Aliens Award – Tie: Rogue One - A Star Wars Story, Arrival, Star Trek Beyond, Independence Day: Resurgence, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Best Alien – Tom Cruise, Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

Sunk By ExpectationsGhostbusters

Sunk By AllegationsThe Birth of a Nation

Surpassed Expectations – Tie: Deadpool, Sully, Nerve

Surpassed AllegationsHacksaw Ridge

Most Canadian FilmTwo Lovers and a Bear

Most Canadian Non-Canadian FilmAllied

The Fifth Annual Roger Deakins Award for Excellence in Being Roger Deakins – Roger Deakins, Hail Caesar!

The Jai Courtney Award for Ruining a Franchise Before It Even Started – Jai Courtney, Suicide Squad

Best Casting Against Expectations – Chiwetel Ejiofor, Doctor Strange

Worst Casting Against Expectations – Tilda Swinton, Doctor Strange

Award for Continued Determination in Ruining Beloved Characters – Zack Snyder, Superman v. Batman: Dawn of Justice

Laziest use of Email to Shoehorn In Upcoming Franchise CharactersSuperman v. Batman: Dawn of Justice

Best Argument for Tubal LigationBridget Jones’ Baby

Documentary Most Likely to Make You Throw Something at the Screen: Tie – Audrie & Daisy, O.J.-Made in America

3rd Annual Excellence in Bridgearian Acting Award – Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water


Dear Cast & Crew

comments powered by Disqus
(% endraw %}