Dear Readers,

Nobody gets into the movie business for the free lunches. You’re looking for acknowledgment – proof you made a small dent on the cinematic universe. And after five years (five!), anyone we haven’t heralded or heckled on this site is clamoring to fill a Silver Stamp shaped hole in their heart. WE KNOW! Actors, producers, publicists, pee-ons – they all set their alarm clocks bright and early the day before we announce our awards. So stop feverishly refreshing your browser. Here it is, the on-screen effort that stood out the most this year – for better or worse. Thank you. And you’re welcome.

Best Bruce Wayne – Ben Affleck in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice The Accountant

Film We Feel Racist for Hating – Race

Film We Feel Progressive for Loving – Loving

Biggest Sausage Party – Sausage Party Everybody Wants Some!!

Most Outrageous 80s Athlete in Coke-Bottle Glasses – Tie: Taron Egerton in Eddie the Eagle, Juston Street in Everybody Wants Some!!

Dopest Title – Dope

Lamest Title – 10 Cloverfield Lane

Most Suggestive Title – How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town

Least Suggestive Title – Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

Best Use of Subtlety – Zootopia

Worst Use of Subtlety – Mother’s Day

Obligatory (and Unnecessary) Black Revisionist Western of the Year – The Magnificent Seven

Obligatory (and Worthy) Black Awards Contender of the Year – Moonlight

Best Undead Superhero – Deadpool Swiss Army Man

Bayhem Award for Being Worse Than Michael Bay – Peter Berg, Deepwater Horizon

Man Crush of the Year – Ryan Gosling for The Nice Guys and La La Land

Edge-of-Legal Crush of the Year – Hailee Steinfeld in The Edge of Seventeen

Edge of Tomorrow Award for Being on the Edge of Greatness – Hailee Steinfeld in The Edge of Seventeen

Most Pompous Asshole of the Year – Miles Teller in Bleed For This, War Dogs, Allegiant _(and everyday life)

Best Remake – The Jungle Book

Best Spin-Off – Everybody Wants Some!!

Best Sequel – Captain America: Civil War

Worst Remake – Ben-Hur

Worst Spin-Off – Suicide Squad

Worst Sequel – Tie: Independence Day: Resurgence, Inferno, Bridget Jones’ Baby, Alice Through the Looking Glass, Neighbors 2, Now You See Me 2, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles : Out of the Shadows, X-Men: Apocalypse, Allegiant, London Has Fallen

Best Ejaculation Gag – The Brothers Grimsby

Worst Ejaculation Gag – Neighbors 2

Scariest Beast of the Year – Goat, The Witch

Sexiest Beast of the Year – Anya Taylor-Joy, The Witch

Actor Most Likely To Cause Male Insecurity – Alexander Skarsgård, The Legend Of Tarzan

Most God-Awful Film – Tie: Gods of Egypt, Miracles From Heaven

The Holy Shit, 2016 Had a Lot of Movies Featuring Aliens Award – Tie: Rogue One - A Star Wars Story, Arrival, Star Trek Beyond, Independence Day: Resurgence, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Best Alien – Tom Cruise, Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

Sunk By Expectations – Ghostbusters

Sunk By Allegations – The Birth of a Nation

Surpassed Expectations – Tie: Deadpool, Sully, Nerve

Surpassed Allegations – Hacksaw Ridge

Most Canadian Film – Two Lovers and a Bear

Most Canadian Non-Canadian Film – Allied

The Fifth Annual Roger Deakins Award for Excellence in Being Roger Deakins – Roger Deakins, Hail Caesar!

The Jai Courtney Award for Ruining a Franchise Before It Even Started – Jai Courtney, Suicide Squad

Best Casting Against Expectations – Chiwetel Ejiofor, Doctor Strange

Worst Casting Against Expectations – Tilda Swinton, Doctor Strange

Award for Continued Determination in Ruining Beloved Characters – Zack Snyder, Superman v. Batman: Dawn of Justice

Laziest use of Email to Shoehorn In Upcoming Franchise Characters – Superman v. Batman: Dawn of Justice

Best Argument for Tubal Ligation – Bridget Jones’ Baby

Documentary Most Likely to Make You Throw Something at the Screen: Tie – Audrie & Daisy, O.J.-Made in America

3rd Annual Excellence in Bridgearian Acting Award – Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water