Dear Readers,

In a year with virtually no theatrical releases, and everything being released virtually, most award ceremonies have been hampered with glitchy broadcasts and awkward Zoom speeches. Not the Silver Stamps! We delayed the release to match the 2020 Academy Awards, but otherwise, you’re getting the goods we’ve delivered for the past nine years.

Enjoy!

Worst Impression of Michael Bay: Bad Boys for Life

Best Impression of Michael Bay: Extraction

Best Adapted to COVID Screenplay: Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

Best Original to COVID Screenplay: Malcolm & Marie

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Best Reminder of Why We Don’t Miss Air Travel: 7500

Best Reminder of Why We Don’t Miss Offices: The Assistant

Song That Doesn’t Need to Work, But Does: “Jaja Ding Dong” in Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga

Song that Needs to Work, But Doesn’t: “The Song That Unites the Universe” in Bill and Ted Face the Music

Most Gasp-Worthy Moment: Restaurant scene in The Invisible Man

Most Yawn-Worthy Moment: End title card in Mank

Most Watched and Forgotten Movie: Spencer Confidential

Most Ignored and Beloved Movie: The Empty Man

Award for Celebrating the Spirit of Spielberg: The Vast of Night

Award for Being Haunted by the Ghost of Spielberg: Trial of the Chicago 7

Best Onscreen Representation of the Black Panthers: Judas and the Black Messiah

Worst Onscreen Representation of the Black Panthers: Trial of the Chicago 7

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Best Way Back to Sobriety: The Way Back

Worst Way Back to the Oscars: The Way Back

Best Facelift: Sonic: the Hedgehog

Worst Facelift: Possessor

Best Faceswap: Chris Pine, Wonder Woman 1984

Best Masks: Tenet

Best Pants: Barb and Star Go To Vista Del Mar

Best Wig: TIE – Sacha Baron Cohen, Trial of the Chicago 7, Sacha Baron Cohen, Borat: Subsequent _Moviefilm

Worst Wig: TIE – Amy Adams, Glenn Close – Hillbilly Elegy

Best Untucked Shirt: Mads Mikkelsen, Another Round

Worst Untucked Shirt: Rudy Giuliani, Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

Best Subversion of Christmas Movie Formula: The Happiest Season

Worst Subversion of Christmas Movie Formula: Fatman

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Best Underwater Teacher: Octopus in My Octopus Teacher

Worst Underwater Teacher: Aliens in Underwater

Best Proof That Pixar May Not Be The Next Studio Ghibli: Wolfwalkers

Award for Title That Also Reflects How You’ll Direct the Oscars: Let Them All Talk

Most Reality-Questioning Finale: In and of Itself

Most Patience-Testing Finale: Wonder Woman 1984

The Seeing-It-In-A-Theatre-Would-Not-Have-Helped Award: Wonder Woman

Best Use of Actual Jazz: Soul

Worst Use of Faux Jazz: Mank

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Best Outsider Perspective: Nomadland

Worst Outsider Perspective: Mulan

Best Insider Perspective: Minari

Worst Insider Perspective: Malcom & Marie

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Disney Award for Using the Trauma of Death as an Inciting Plot Device: Onward Soul

Proof That Tom Holland Isn’t Great All the Time: The Devil All The Time

Obligatory Tom Hanks as a Captain Role: TIE - Captain Krause, Greyhound, Captain Kidd, News of the World

Best Hunky Boy: TIE: Psycho Goreman in Psycho Goreman and Russell Crowe in _Unhinged

Fitness Award: John David Washington, Tenet

Fatness Award: Russell Crowe, Unhinged

Most Unhinged Performance: Russell Crowe, Unhinged, Shia Labeouf, The Tax Collector

Best Denial of a Higher Power: Saint Maud

Best Proof of a Higher Power: Reddit saving AMC

Best Milk: First Cow

Worst Milking of a Franchise: Train to Busan: Peninsula

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Best Movie About the Dangers of Technology: Spree

Best Movie Involving Technology: Host

Worst Reaction to Technology: Christopher Nolan to HBO Max

Best Kid: The Kid Detective

Worst Kid: Vivarium

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Worst American Remake with the Most Apt Title: Downhill

Worst Original Film with Least Apt Title: Totally Under Control

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Best Use of Handheld Food to Represent Character Motivation: TIE: Hot Dog – Promising Young Woman, Breakfast Sammie – Birds of Prey

9th Annual Award for Excellence in Being Roger Deakins: Team Deakins podcast

Best COVID Metaphor: Palm Springs

Best Metaphor for Our Palm Springs Joke: I’m Thinking of Ending Things