Dear Readers,
If you thought Parasite winning Best Picture was a surprise, just wait to see who’s ass takes home a Silver Stamp (hint: it’s not only J-Lo’s)! That’s right, we’re branding the best movies, moments, and mistakes of the year with our annual ceremony that bestows bragging rights on the recipients, and hopefully a little joy for all of you, the readers.
Best Movie Shot on an iPhone: High Flying Bird
Best iPhone Shot in a Movie: Countdown
Coolest Title of the Year: Velvet Buzzsaw
Cutest Title of the Year: Dead in a Week (Or Your Money Back)
Cruelest Title of the Year: Her Smell
Most Anticipated Liam Neeson Action Movie of the Winter: Cold Pursuit
Most Disappointing Liam Neeson Action Movie of the Winter: Cold Pursuit
Most Distracting Eyes: Rose Salazar,Alita:** Battle Angel
Most Distracting Hair: Brie Larson, Captain Marvel
Most Distracting Ass: J-Lo, Hustlers Robert Pattinson, The Lighthouse
Most Brawn per Square Inch: Triple Frontier
Most Bronzer per Square Inch:Hustlers
Blue is the Warmest Colour Award for Iconic Scissoring: Us
Best Canadian Character: Duke Kaboom, Toy Story 4
Best Canadian Caricature: Prime Minister James Steward, Long Shot
Biggest Tire Fire of a Sequel: Backdraft 2
Darkest Chapter in a Dead Franchise: Tie:** Dark Phoenix, Terminator:** Dark Fate
Brightest Light in the Music Bio Genre: Blinded by the Light
Worst Adapted Screenplay: The Goldfinch
Worst Adapted Sequel: It:** Chapter 2
Worst Adapted Star: Ben Affleck
_Most Loveable Cartoon Detective: Pokémon Detective Pikachu Knives Out
Best Beach Bum: MatthewMcCaunaughy in The Beach Bum J-Lo in Hustlers
Biggest Ass in a Movie About Dancers: J-Lo in Hustlers Drug Guy in Climax
The Unnaturally De-Aging Award: The Irishman Tie:** Matthew MaCaunaughy in Serenity and J-Lo in Hustlers
Best Superhero Costumes: Rocketman
Best Supervillain Costumes: Us
Highest Grossing Film You’ve Never Seen: The Wandering Earth ($700M world-wide)
Highest Grossing Film You Should’ve Never Seen: The Lion King
Grossest Film You Should Only See When High: The Dirt
Best Re-imagining of Beatles Music: Yesterday Jojo Rabbit
Worst Re-imagining of 70s Music: Triple Frontier
Most WTF Beginning:Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Most WTF Ending: Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood
Most WTF Everything: Serenity
B.A.B.E. of the Year (Blonde Aussie Breakout Entertainer): Samara Weaving for Ready or Not
*Previous winners include Cate Blanchette (1998), Naomi Watts (2001), Heath Ledger (2005), Chris Hemsworth (2011), Margot Robbie (2012), and Teresa Palmer (2016)
Most Surprising Twist During a Talk Show Scene: Joker Between Two Ferns: The Movie
Imperfect Achievement in Horror: The Perfection
Special Achievement in the Art of Racing in the Rain: The Art of Racing in the Rain Ford v Ferrari
Best Car-Based Rivalry: Hobbs & Shaw Ford v Ferrari
Best Car-Based Team-Up: Hobbs & Shaw The Highwaymen
Best Car-Based Excuse to Extend a Franchise:_Hobbs & Shaw El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie
Best Pointless Car Chase: Hobbs & Shaw Knives Out
Worst Use of a Chinese Restaurant: It: Chapter 2
Best Use of a Chinese Restaurant: The Farewell
Unplanned Breakout at the Box-Office: Unplanned
Unplanned Non-breakout at the Box Office: The Stuber
We Missed Will Smith Award: Aladdin
He Missed Will Smith Award: Gemini Man
She Missed Will Smith Award: Men in Black: International
Best Metaphor for Wanting a Break-Up: Midsommar
Best Metaphor for Wanting a Divorce: Ready or Not
Best Metaphor for Wanting an Oscar: Marriage Story
Most Misleading Title: The Laundromat
Most Mistitled Lead: The Last Black Man in San Francisco
8th Annual Award for Excellence in Being Roger Deakins: Roger Deakins, 1917
Award for proving Rian Johnson right: Knives Out Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Worst reveal of a major plot development: The title crawl of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Palpatine’s broadcasts in Fortnite
Worst story fake-out (spoilers for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker): Chewie’s death C3P0’s deactivation Kylo Ren’s Death #1 Kylo Ren’s Death #2 Rey’s Death The expectation of competent storytelling in a Star Wars movie
The Guys-Just-Admit-It’s-Not-Gonna-Work Award: Terminator: Dark Fate
Sincerely,
Dear Cast & Crew