Dear Readers,

If the Oscar campaign trail is a well-lit road to fame and riches, the Silver Stamps are a dark alley towards praise and punishment. Here, films bare-knuckle brawl for their fleeting moment of glory. We’ve wrestled with some of the best and the worst of the year to bring you the real champions of 2022.

Enjoy!

Best Puberty Metaphor - Turning Red

Best Menopause Metaphor - Everything Everywhere All at Once

Biggest Fist Pumper - RRR

Biggest Head Shaker - Deep Water

Best Chase Sequence - Top Gun: Maverick

Best Chaste Sequence - Top Gun: Maverick

Best Performance by Sonic the Hedgehog - Sonic the Hedgehog 2 _Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

Best Performance by a Whale - Brendan Fraser in The Whale The Whale in _Avatar: The Way of Water

Biggest On-Screen Disaster - Moonfall

Biggest Off-Screen Disaster - Don’t Worry Darling

Best Use of a Fart Noise to Cut Dramatic Tension, presented by The Master - The Northman

Most Forgettable Direct-to-Streaming Thriller Starring Chris Pine - tie: All the Old Knives, The Contractor

Most Nightmarish Repurposing of Childhood Nostalgia - Skinamarink Lightyear

Best Recycled Title - Crimes of the Future

Worst Recycled Title - Scream

Most Memorable Liam Neeson Thriller - Memory

Least Memorable Liam Neeson Thriller - Blacklight

Clumsiest Attempt at Sparking an Off-Screen Romance - Cha Cha Real Smooth

Cleverest Attempt at Sparking an Off-Screen Romance - Deep Water

Most Unbearable Waste of Massive Talent - Pedro Pascal in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

Annual Waste of Lupita N’yongo’s Talents - tie: The 355 and Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Most Invisible Sequel - Disenchanted

Most Overlooked Masterpiece - Roald Dahl's Matilda the Musical

Most Overhyped as a Masterpiece - TAR

Most Creative Form of Incest - I Love You Dad

Most Creative Form of Masterbation - Infinity Pool

Best Non-Canadian Canadian Film - Bandit

Worst Non-Canadian Canadian Film - The Man From Toronto

Best Scene Introducing Sound to the SiIent Film Era - Babylon

Second Best Scene Introducing Sound to the SiIent Film Era - Downton Abbey: A New Era

Best Adaptation of a Film from the Silent Era - All Quiet on the Western Front

Best Attempt at a Return to the Silent Film Era - EO

Most Indulgent Nostalgia Exercise By a Director - The Fablemans, Armageddon Time, BARDO, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths, Empire of Light

11th Annual Award for Excellence in Being Roger Deakins - Empire of Light