Dear Readers,

As consistent as a Roger Deakins Oscar nomination, as certain as a Roger Deakins Oscar loss, the Silver Stamps are back!

It’s the end of the year, awards season, and time to be left wondering “how could that have won!?” Well, we have some good news. We’ve fired PriceWaterhouseCoopers, triple-checked the ballot boxes, replaced Warren Beatty with Christopher Plummer, and are absolutely confident that the names below belong to their respective categories.

After all, we have this thing figured out—this post marks the 1000th article ever published on Dear Cast and Crew. Which means today we’re all honorary winners.

(But here are the actual winners.)

Best Film Credit: Fornicator, Mother!

Worst Film Credit: Sexy Race Starter, Fate of the Furious

Best Actor in a Misleading Role: Jim Carrey, Jim and Andy: The Great Beyond

Best Actor in an Unsupporting Role: Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World

Best Short Actor, Live Action: Tom Cruise, American Made

Best Short Actor, Animated: Steve Zhan, War for the Planet of the Apes

Best War with an Ape: War for the Planet of the Apes Kong: Skull Island

Loudest Sound Design: Dunkirk

Loudest Costume Design: Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Most Tone-Deaf Costume Design – Justice League (Amazon’s uniforms)

Best Harry Styles in Make-Up: Harry Styles in Dunkirk

Best Doc You Meant to See: The Vietnam War

Best Doc You Mean to See, Shorter than 10 Hours: Abacus: Small Enough to Jail

Best Re-Production Design: getting birthed from a bag in Blade Runner 2049

Best Stunt: The production schedule for The Post

Worst Stunt: the reveal at the end of Split

Worst Movie That Everyone Saw: Justice League

Best Movie That No One Saw: Your Name

Best Vegetarian Propaganda: (tie) Okja and Raw

Best Carnivore Propaganda: (tie) War for the Planet of the Apes and Kong: Skull Island

Most Seductive Use of Her Whip: Fifty Shades Darker Wonder Woman

Most Seductive Use of His Wit: Battle of the Sexes

Most Original Canadian Hockey Movie: Hello Destroyer

Least Original Canadian Hockey Movie: Goon: Last of the Enforcers

Most Original Way to Score: the threesome in Blade Runner 2049

Best Song, Allegory for Masturbation: the flute scene in Alien: Covenant

Best Song, Allegory for Emancipation: "Amazing Grace" in Detroit

Most Distracting Mustache: Murder on the Orient Express Justice League

Biggest Disaster for an Artist: Gore Verbinski, A Cure for Wellness

Biggest Artist in a Disaster: Tom Cruise, The Mummy

Biggest Surprise from an Artist: James Franco, The Disaster Artist

Best Kiss-of-Death for an On-Set Relationship (presented by Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman): Mother!

Most Welcome Return: [spoiler] in The Last Jedi

Most Unwelcome Return:xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

Darkest Sequel: Fifty Shades Darker Logan

Darkest Hour: It Comes at Night

Luckiest Logan: Logan Lucky Logan

Best Writing (Inept Screenplay): Snatched

Best Writing (Unoriginal Screenplay): Rough Night

Goldblumiest Jeff Goldblum Performance: Jeff Goldblum, Thor: Ragnarok

Best Film for Creating Cross-cultural Enlightenment: Get Out

Worst Film for Creating Cross-cultural Enlightenment: Ghost in the Shell

Proof that Kurt Russell Can’t Save Everything: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Film Most in Need of Christopher Plummer: Baby Driver

Special Achievement for a Trailer that Made Seeing the Film Redundant: Happy Death Day

He can Act?! Award: Robert Pattison in Good Time

She can Act?! Award: Kristen Stewart in Personal Shopper

6th Annual Award for Excellence in Being Roger Deakins: Roger Deakins, Blade Runner 2049