Dear Readers,

Chasing awards is a fool’s errand. Just when you think AIDS is the new cool, ALS comes along and throws a bucket of ice water (and quantum physics) on your head. The lesson? Keep it fresh. Up the ante. No one wants to be last year’s disease.

That’s our motto for the Silver Stamps. We can’t keep beating on the same ol’ Man of Steel drum every year (though we would if we could). So here’s a brand-spanking-new list of winners and losers who helped define the last year in cinema.

The 2014 Awards

Best Film Based on Good, Hard Science – Particle Fever

Best Film Based on Good, Hard Fantasy – Guardians of the Galaxy

Best Film Inspired by Cosmology – The Theory of Everything

Best Film Endorsed by Cosmologists – Interstellar

Best Example of Why Chivalry is Dead – Wes Bentley in Interstallar

Best Example of Why Sexism is Alive – Every Character in Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For

Most Unintentionally Meta Film in The Unofficial Year of Meta Films – Open Windows

Trailer of the Year, Sponsored by Spoilerphobes Anonymous – Nightcrawler (Red Band version)

Spring Breakers Award for Most Conflicted Boner – tie: Nymphomaniac and Under the Skin.

Most Overlooked, Underseen, and Confusingly Marketed Film of the Year – Edge of Tomorrow (aka. Live. Die. Repeat.)

Man-Crush 2014 – Jake Gyllenhall for Enemy and Nightcrawler

Most Inspiring Return to Form – Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber To (Runner Up: Keanu Reeves in John Wick)

Most Depressing Return to Form – Arnold Schwarzenegger in Sabotage (Runner Up: Michael Bay for Transformers: Age of Distinction)

Proving that Franchises Can Actually End: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Proving that Everything is Now a Franchise: Big Hero 6

Most Inexplicably Improved Franchise – Planes: Fire & Rescue

Most Incongruous Musical Score – James Newton Howard, Nightcrawler

Best Prison Break Action Sequence: X-Men: Days of Future Past

Second-Best Prison Break Action Sequence: The Raid 2: Berendal

Third-Best Prison Break Action Sequence: Guardians of the Galaxy

Worst Sequel in a Year of Terrible Sequels: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Best Sequel in a Year of Great Sequels: The Trip to Italy

The Jared Young: Osage County Award for Wildly Overpraising Sub-Par Cinema (Presented by Christopher Redmond) – The Trip To Italy

The Man of Steel Award for Total Incompetence in Comic Book Adaptations: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Most Enjoyable Earworm: “Everything is Awesome” from The Lego Movie

Most Authentically Canadian Film: The Grand Seduction

Worst Faux-Canadian Film: Tusk

Twitchiest Heartthrob Performance of the Year: Andrew Garfield in The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Most Dead-Eyed Heartthrob Performance of the Year: Aaron Taylor-Johnston in Godzilla

Worst Excuse For A Studio To Fund A Star’s Safari Vacation: Blended

Best Performance Of An Evil Dystopian Leader Masquerading As A Benign Mother Figure: Three-way tie – Meryl Streep in The Giver, Kate Winslet in Divergent, Patricia Clarkson in The Maze Runner

The 3rd Annual Roger Deakins Award for Excellence in Being Roger Deakins – Roger Deakins for Unbroken (sight-unseen)

1st Annual Jeff Bridges Award for Excellence In Bridgearian Acting: Jeff Bridges in The Giver

How’d we do? Make your own nominations below before December 31, 2014 and we’ll include some of our favourites in our official list!